Mary: Knows what an iPad is

Paula: Doesn’t


Mary: I might get an iPad

Paula: Always?

Mary: No they just came out

Paula: Are they any better?

Mary: I don’t know, they must be. They’re for travelling and when you’re on the move

Paula: Why? Does it last longer?

Mary: About 36 hours

Paula: What? That’s disgusting!

Mary: No it’s not. What if you are on a plane? It’s perfect for that.

Paula: Can’t you just use the old ones and change on the plane?

Mary: Why would you get two? It’s brilliant, you can just have it out in front of you and…

Paula: In front of you? Why would you have it out at all?

Mary: Cause no-one would steal it on a plane, and it’s one of those ones that you touch to work it.

Paula: You have to touch it?

Mary: Yea to navigate it you have to use your finger all the time, but I don’t think that’s an issue.

Mary: You get a little piece of cloth with it to wipe it.

Paula: I really don’t see what is so great about these pads, they sound weird.

Mary: I think they look a bit weird too but just imagine all the reading you could get done on the bus, all the newspapers.

Paula: It’s made of newspaper?

Mary: Not made of them, but there’s loads on it. Nearly every newspaper you want, you just have to find it with your finger.

Paula: You have to go rummaging around it in to find reading material?

Mary: Yea but that’s part of the fun, I love having a rummage around looking for new material, don’t you?

Paula: I have to go…

Mary: Well next time you see me I might have my new iPad with me. I’ll let you have a go of it if you want.

Paula: It’s fine, I’ve just finished my period.


How to avoid a stalker

The main thing to remember when dealing with a stalker is to not let them effect your life. If you have to change your every day life dramatically because of this person then they win and that is the last thing you want.

Most experts would say that you should delete all your social networking sites so your stalker can’t hack into them and find out all your secret information. This sounds pretty drastic, just limit your use. If you are going somewhere exciting write it in code, like backwards (ehT yssuP taC slloD trecnoc) or with stars instead of letters (Cin*world to see Ir*n M*n 2). They’ll never catch on.

When meeting up with friends or family, don’t pick the normal meeting places around town. Avoid outside Trinity or the Spire. These are the places your stalker expects you to be and you do not want to be found. Instead pick original and obscure locations like ‘that lane in the libertines’ or ‘the head shop in Rathmines’. It doesn’t matter if your granny doesn’t want to meet you there, you’ll just have to make her.

When planning to go to a concert or be in a crowded area such a Grafton Street, wear clothes from Penneys to blend in. When shopping buy the clothes that you have seen on five different people that day and never wear anything unique or vintage ever again.

Try to attend as many masked balls as possible. Masked balls are just full of people who are running away from stalkers, so float around the room, chat, make some new friends. Just remember that they are also full of stalkers trying to find their stalkees in the sea of masks so don’t give away anything when chatting.

Keep a balaclava ready in your pocket for any moment when you think you might be being followed. The minute you suspect someone is on your tail whip it out and start running, this balaclava is your only means of defence, so use it well.

Run, in your balaclava, to the hair dressers and ask them to cut your hair so it looks awful and doesn’t suit you at all. Then dye your hair a disgusting shade that makes people want to divert their eyes from you. Once you have this hairstyle perfected there is no need for the balaclava anymore.

However, still be cautious. Get headphones big enough to cover your whole face and wear clothes that cover up every inch of your skin.

Try to not leave your house too much, especially in summer, it’s the most dangerous time because that’s when the stalkers are in heat. So much flesh on show makes them go crazy. Stay inside as much as you can, only leaving your house to get essentials, but even they can be delivered from Tesco easily. Yes, the best thing to do is to not leave your house. Possibly ever. And board up the windows. And doors. And letterbox. And keyhole.

And remember, the most important thing when dealing with a stalker is to not let them affect your everyday life. Don’t let them win!

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