How to incorporate the programme ‘Friends’ into your everyday life…


When you watch Friends it is hard not to get that niggling feeling that ‘wouldn’t it be lovely to have that kind of life’. Imagine if everyone you were surrounded by was funny ALL THE TIME and told a joke every twelve seconds. No-one would be depressed, unless it was for a ridiculously hilarious reason. And the fact that you almost never seen any of the characters doing their normal, boring chores like going to the gym, getting up for work, sorting out bills or making soup makes it seem like a perfect life. Imagine being able to fast forward all the boring domestic moments in your life and just stick with the scenes where you are chilling in your local coffee shop or sitting around your friend’s apartment with an endless amount of spare time laughing and laughing and laughing and laughing. Well, there are things you can try to bring some ‘Friends’ magic into your life:

First, find a comfy coffee shop and once you do ONLY go there, never set foot in another coffee-giving establishment. Wear slutty clothes so that the barista starts to fancy you. This will come in handy if you ever need a favour from him like a job or a job for a companion or you need to sell a cat.

Now decide who you want to be. Are you the sarcastic one? Are you kooky or geeky? Are you hot but stupid or a control freak? Pick one of these and then stick to it. The key is to never fall out of character. If you are going to be Chandler for example, you must be sarcastic at ALL TIMES. If you miss an opportunity for a joke you fail.

Pick your closest friends based on:

1) The close proximity from your house to theirs

2) Their attractiveness

If they live next door to you but are ugly then they are your enemy and should be treated accordingly.

If they are hit but live far away they are your romantic interest.

Your closest buddies have to be hot neighbours and that is that.

Make sure at least four hilarious situations happen to you are your friends every day. If these aren’t happening naturally just start creating them. Wear leather trousers to an inappropriate situation, throw a party and invite all your exs accidentally on purpose, have a sexual relationship with your younger sectary, have a food eating contest. Whatever you have to do, do it, just make it interesting.

Now all you have to do is encourage your new found hot close friends to also get into these silly situations and also be as funny as possible as often as possible. This shouldn’t be too hard, just shout things like “Boo!” or “Try harder you shithead!” when they say something serious. Maybe place traps for them to help them with their hilarious situation quota. Put a wall of glass into their house in an unsuspecting place which they are bound to walk in to. Kiss their ex and then tell them in an insensitive fashion. Buy wallpaper with their face on it and put it up in your bedroom. Your new friends will soon get the hang of it.

And lastly, enjoy your new ‘friends’ carefree, caffeine-full life!

The worst type of presents to receive


A keyring with something extra witty on it

A fridge magnet with something extra witty on it

Bubble bath that they clearly got for Christmas from their granny

A promise of a present in the future (never going to happen)

Clothes vouchers for that skanky clothes shop in your local centre

A badge that says ‘Rebel’ or ‘Troublemaker’ or ‘Jesus’

A hamster (only fun for two days, max)

A book you pointed out the week before (you don’t want to read it, you were trying to be clever)

A frame with a picture of a horse in it. Lovely.

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