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Artists Impression of “Top Secret” logo

High ranking officials in the C.I.A have been coming under increasing pressure for authourising controversial methods to extract information from prisoners at the Guantanamo Bay prison camp in Cuba. American President Barrack Obama ordered that previously classified documents relating to these interegation techniques be made public in an effort to move away from the Bush administration. Addressing a gathering of 17,000,000,000 people in Union Square, San Francisco, Obama said “I hope that doing this will change peoples perception of America, and y’know, I feel that’s important, to change and…I hope all of you will help me change America…because I have a new dog”.

The newly declassified papers state that aside from the heavily publicised water boarding, numerous other interrogation methods were used. Water boarding is the process of making inmates participate in extreme water sports. The practice is thought to be very effective because it is culturally offensive to the majority of inmates in Guantanamo Bay because they are from landlocked, arid countries. Speaking exclusively to us a source within the C.I.A said “Well sir, the object is to get ‘em up on the board there and make ‘em feel so silly for not having anything bigger than a lake in their own country” when asked if it was an effective method of interrogation the source replied “Oh boy, you betcha’, you put ‘em up on the board for an hour and boy howdy they look dog gone ridiculous. By the end them boys’ll be wanting no more than to curl up in a shame ball, they’ll tell you what you wanna know if you  just promise to stop laughin’ at ‘em”.

Inmate waterboarding (picture posed by model)

The interrogation techniques also include playing western music at loud volumes on a 24 hour loop directly into the cells of the inmates. The playlist included  artists which it was thought would be particularly offensive and psychologically damaging. When we asked the C.I.A source he said “yeah, it’s true, I’m not proud of it but we did expose ‘em to all sorts of bad stuff, Chris De Burgh, B*witched…one tried to rip his own ears off when ‘Achy breaky heart’ came on for the 6th time in a row. Y’know some times on quiet nights I wonder who the real terrorists are”

Billy Ray Cyrus expresses misty eyed solidarity with US troops

We contacted Billy Ray Cyrus to ask his opinion on this revelation, he said “he was happy to be a part of the war on terror, he then proceeded to force his daughter Miley on the phone to talk to the media….even though we had not asked to talk to her”.

Other methods include:

1. The Attention Grab: The interrogator forcefully grabs the shirt front of the prisoner and shakes him, he shakes, shakes, shakes, shakes his booty.

2. The Attention or “Pimp” Slap: An open-handed slap aimed at causing pain, triggering fear and keeping dem ho’s in line.

3. The Pink Belly: A hard open-handed slap to the stomach, repeated numerous times until the affected area becomes pink in colour.

4. The Nipple Twister: The prisoners nipples are trapped between the interrogators thumb and index finger, the interrogator then twists.

5. The stop hitting yourself: The prisoner is gripped around the wrist or forearm by the interrogator, the prionsers arm is then violently jerk towards their face by the interrogator, upon contact being made the interrogator begin repeating “stop hitting yourself”.

6. The Wedgie: The most controversial of all measures, it is banned under every piece of anti-torture legislation ever published. The prisoner is stripped to his underwear, the interrogator then grabs the waistband of the underpants and pulls it firmly upwards, thus wedging the underpants up the prionsers anus.

The Wedgie

President Obama has pledged to close Guantanamo Bay and to ban these practices at all other detention centers used in the war on terror. “Never again will a man have to pull underwear out of his anus because of the United States of America”.

(for the real story check out http://abcnews.go.com/WNT/Investigation/story?id=1322866 , dec@comedyireland.ie)



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