What they really mean:

B – Boy (Italics is what he is thinking)

G- Girl (Italics is what she is thinking)

B- “Is it too soon to ask for your number?” (What am I doing? Of course it’s too soon. Jesus Christ, let me die! Or go back in time! One or the other. AH!)

G- “What?” (Come on, think! Think of an excuse. Eh, I have the clap, no. Em, em, em…)

B- “Can I” (oh don’t make me say it again) have eh (everyone is looking at us. Everyone in the whole world is staring only at us. I’m sure I will find this on youtube later) “your number, please?” (Did I just say please? Did I just beg for this poor girls number?)

G- I’m sorry but” (but what? Ah! Ok, be nice, he said please for crying out loud. I have officially gone bright red) “I have a boyfriend” (I have entered the beginnings of a large web of lies, I know it.)

B- “Oh that’s ok” (that is not ok. My heart is breaking slowly, piece by tiny piece. I will never have sex with her. Ever)

G- “But” (what am I doing? No more talking is needed. This is NOT necessary) “I would if I didn’t have a boyfriend” (I now feel guilty for my fictional boyfriend, great)

B- “Good to know” (I am SO in there)

G- “Grand” (Shit! He now thinks I fancy him. Why with the continuous talking, you idiot!?

B- “I’ll see you next week” (yea, I’ll see you naked next week. She wants me. I wonder if she’s going to break up with her boyfriend tonight or leave it a few days)

G- “Yea definitely” (I wonder if I can find someone to swap shifts with me)

Practical Superpowers for the everyday human

1. Ability to cook eggs in under a minute
2. Knowing what time the bus will really be at the bus stop, no need for timetables anymore.
3. To be able to tell if a hug is genuine or not
4. The power to watch a two hour long film in half an hour
5. Always knowing your lectures/boss’s marital status
6. Ability to change boob size depending on your outfit
7. Ability to pick the exact song you want to listen to on your iPod every time
8. Always knowing the favourite film/album of your crush so you can quote it during an awkward moment
9. Having the ability to change € notes into change for public transport without having to buy the cheapest chewing gum
10. Ability to rattle off impressive trivia whenever you want, such as nostalgic 90s TV shows or The Inbetweeners quotes.
11. 
    

Written by :

Lucy Montague Moffatt