C: The chicken who crosses the road in jokes

P: The person who ‘knock knocks’ in jokes

C: Hey!

P: Hi!

C: How are you?

P: Good, just recovering from hand surgery but well enough

C: Oh I heard about that, when you back to work?

P: Already started again, the more I knock, the stronger my bones get again

C: It’s a hard life, the other day was my twenty fifth million time I nearly got run over.

P: That is awful, it really is a risky life we do lead>

C: God when was the last time I saw you, it wasn’t as far back as the Christmas party, was it?

P: Yea it was! Oh what a night, remember how plastered the Irish man, English man and Scottish man were?!

C: Eh, did you see the Eskimo get it on with Santa?

P: Yes I did! Where was that Eskimo from again?

C: Alaska

P: No it’s fine I’ll ask her myself

C: Hey don’t start! Actually that reminds me, have you signed the treaty?

P: What treaty?

C: Oh my god you don’t know about the treaty?! It’s big news! Were you not at the convention?

P: What convention?

C: The convention for the banishment of jokes featuring in toilet books

P: Why do you want to banish toilet books, they’re my main business?

C: The Elephant in the fridge started it all, we want to be treated as more than just something to laugh about on the loo.

P: I don’t agree at all, I love being in toilet books. People do their best reading on the throne

C: I suppose, but the big chimney and the little chimney made some very good points, like how sometimes it’s nice to be taken seriously

P: Did Jesus have something to do with this? He is always cropping up when people are trying to take jokes too seriously.

C: Maybe, but the man who walked into the bar was really convincing

P: Do you know how many times he has hit his head off that bar? The man is crazy! Why are you listening to him?

C: Well…I…em…(fluffs feathers awkwardly)

-P receives a txt message-

C: Who is that?

P: Oh it’s Justin Side, he’s just in side Ivana Tinkle’s house having a piss.

C: Aw that’s nice. Oh before I forget, did you hear that those people are pouring boiling water down that rabbit hole again?

P: Oh no, they make such hot cross bunnies!

C: I know, I hate animal cruelty.

P: Right I better dash, a guy is about to completely crash and burn on a first date, I should really be present.

C: Ok, I have to go across this road anyway.

P: Really? Why?

C: Hmm, not sure actually…

How to piss everyone off on Paddy’s Day

Tips to remember to not do next year:

• Get too drunk too early and have to be brought home at 1pm
• While being brought home projectile vomit in front of all the face-painted families on the bus
• Get arrested trying to join the parade and then screaming “I was only dancing” as they drag you into the riot van
• Get arrested for throwing stuff at the parade and then screaming “It was only a marching band” as they drag you into the riot van
• Walk around thinking your Póg Mo Thóin ass accessory is the height of original comedy (it’s not)
• Ring your friends drunkenly from various parts of town every half an hour shouting down the phone that they should all meet you there because it’s ‘SO MUCH FUN!’
• Insist on playing the fairground lotto game for an hour, ignoring everyone who tells you that you’ll never win because it’s clearly fixed.
• Trying to break the ‘pint-burgerking-pint-burgerking-pint’ cycle of the day by trying to be healthy. Just go home.
• Not wearing green cause you had none. You had a year to prepare, you just don’t think green suites you, admit it.

Written by :

Lucy Montague Moffatt