1-Do not drink alcohol and mention to everyone you meet that you were an alcoholic. It shows macho-ness and makes you seem more interesting. Also, look down on people who enjoy drinking and make them feel like the alcoholic you are.

2-Bitch constantly about not getting gigs, at the gigs you have gotten.

3-Do not enjoy yourself. You need to take the job of joke telling very seriously.

4-Reserve any personality or social skills for the stage and as soon as you hear your final round of applause go back to your mundane sociopathic self.

5-Network- even if it means abandoning friends, loved ones, pride…

6-Lick ass- A comedian’s breath must constantly smell of freshly licked ass.

7-When in the company of other comics talk constantly about yourself, you are not allowed to talk about any other topic.

8-Jokes, whether funny or not have a use by date of ten years.

9-Always carry a knife. You never know when the opportunity will arise to stick it into a colleague’s back.

10-Confidence- A silent audience does not mean that you are a crap comedian. You don’t really need jokes. Once you have confidence then you can trick your audience into laughing at you.

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