More useful holiday advice from the readers of Arthur Frantic's Budget Travel magazine:
Flight crews know the best hotels and places to eat in any town. When you leave the airport, have your taxi driver tail anyone in a uniform to their final destination.
Harold Quant, Kissimmee
Save time writing your holiday diary while you're away by completing it before you go. When you get home, you can make any amendments that might be required.
Suzanne Schlong, Boise
Take suction cups with you. Bedrooms rarely have the necessary pulleys or hoists for sex games, but carefully placed suction cups on the ceiling and walls will take the weight of two, sometimes three, fully grown Spaniards.
Lilian Capacious, Buffalo
When you park your hire car, leave the local fascist newspaper visible on the passenger seat and the local police will make sure that nothing happens to it.
Czeslaw Jones, Omaha
When you go up to the breakfast buffet, leave a large, bloodied ax on your table so that nobody dare steal your toast.
Winifred Goatee, Miami
When abroad, wipe your ass using those wet wipes that you can't use at home because they clog up the drains. After all, you're on holiday!
Jim Underling, Braintree
Rather than carry dozens of pill bottles, just carry one, with all of your different pills individually labelled.
Casper Wheeze, Madison
Get a seat at the back of the plane so that if it crashes the bodies of all the people in front of you will soften the impact. Ask to sit behind a particularly fat person.
Celeste Placematte, Phoenix
Conceal your valuable jewelry in your food—sandwiches, soup, donuts—and keep them in a Tupperware box locked and sealed tight with superglue. No one will know.
Albert Kerkey, Albuequerque
Rather than take entire travel books with you, avoid excess luggage penalties by visiting your local public library and tearing out the relevant pages for the area you're going to.
William Minger, Abilene
Bungee cords around the bottom of your shorts stop mosquitoes getting in and works as a handy adult diaper if you get the runs while on holiday in Egypt. Be careful not to make them too tight, or you'll get gangrene.
Cheryl Snafu, Carson City
According to the police in Rome, the police in Genoa are pickpocketing bastards.
Giuseppe O'Toole, Punxatawney
If the plane hits turbulence and the flight becomes very bumpy, don't get scared. Just pretend you're on a boat sailing in choppy waters 35,000 feet up in the air.
Lisa Imperialist, Corpus Christi
Don't book into an expensive hotel. A few weeks before you go away, befriend people from your destination on Facebook so that you'll have somewhere cheap to stay when you get there.
The late Gertrude Cartwright, Seattle
If you're in coach, talk pompously, swear profusely, and tell everyone about all the restaurants you own, and there's a good chance you'll get upgraded to first.
Michael Chancer, Boston
If you have difficulty understanding what a foreigner is telling you, escort them to the nearest Internet cafe, log on to Babelfish, and it will guess whatever it is they are saying and put it into a version of English for you.
Earl Pastille, Mobile
I always iron my sandwiches before I go away so that they take up less space in my case. If I'm bringing rolls rather than sandwiches, I put them in my socks then tuck them in my hiking boots.
Lance Casualty, Raleigh
Wearing a pedometer will tell you precisely how many miles you've walked around fucking Paris.
Stanley Althusser, Reno
If you want to change currency, ask one of the local pimps. They always have plenty of spare cash on them and give a better exchange rate than the thieving banks.
Buster Mullins, New Albany
The faucets in airplane toilets always spray everywhere, leaving embarrassing stains on your trousers. As soon as I enter the toilet, I strip naked to avoid any calamity.
Bryce Lee, Oakland
I hate having to write postcards while I'm away, and I know the recipients really just want the exotic stamps, so I just buy the stamps, put them in envelopes, and post them off instead. I usually enclose a short note so that they'll know who the stamps are from.
Gerry Invincible, Williamsburg
I put my wallet, passport and airline tickets in my hat and then put my hat in the hotel room safe so that there's no danger of my leaving without them.
Bobby Spivak, Poughkeepsie
Before heading off every morning in our hire car, I masturbated in the motel bathroom so that I wouldn't get distracted while driving and miss all the sights.
Robbie Punjab, Saratoga
Rather than go away, I find videos of exotic places on YouTube, then place my face really close to the computer screen. It's just like being there!
Vivian Costermonger, Pittsburgh
Leave behind any books you take with you. If they cannot read English, foreigners will want to learn it so that they can find out the meaning of the strange hieroglyphics. The sooner they all know English the better it will be for everyone.
Shaun Blatant, Austin
Rather than insult my friends by bringing home the cheap tat sold abroad as souvenirs, I just tell them the place I visited was shit.
Montague Barry, Des Moines
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