To Brian in Michigan: You will need a wire brush and a plunger to remove it, but I’m afraid it will probably still die.

To Margery in Des Moines: Three of them four times a day with a glass of wine. Wear gloves.

To Kenneth in Albuequerque: Doing so repeatedly will lead to numbness, atrophy, and probably gangrene. Advise them to desist or rub tiger balm into their ears once they’ve finished.

To Geoffrey in Milwaukee: Under the patio is probably the best place. It depends on whether or not they believe the curse is genuine.

To Colin in Buffalo: If it’s your niece, I’m afraid you’ll have to kill it.

To Kate in Boise: Divert it through the pipes using a credit card or small book until the bleeding stops.

To Marcus in Madison: I’ve never heard of aspirin used for that before, and certainly not underwater.

To Noreen in St. Petersburg: Hold it by the tail while cutting off the cups. If there is any quivering, block up the opening using Dijon mustard.

To Naomi in Seattle: A face mask will serve no use whatsoever. They’ll still go deaf.

To Mike in Reno: If that’s what the voices are telling you to do, do it.

You can get a private consultation with Doctor Whippet by mailing him at This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it .

Please note that Doctor Whippet is not an actual whippet

http://thekettleisalwayson.blogspot.com