The October issue of Reader’s Digest magazine lists Twenty Things Your Burglar Won’t Tell You:

1: I’m the reason your dog squints.

2: Most of my income comes from the police, security firms, and burglar alarm manufacturers. The stuff I steal from your house usually gets chucked straight into a skip. Unless the lads down the station see something they like.

3: While walking between your various rooms, I invariably have your vibrator up my arse.

4: That’s us in the TV detector van. If you’ve got an aerial and your telly isn’t on, we’re coming in.

5: Yes, I do look familiar. Like child molestors, most burglars are stepfathers.

6: CDs and DVDs are easy to shift. I left yours because you have the taste of a coma victim.

7: We have a deal with the local circus to lease their spider monkeys and dwarves to break in through open windows upstairs. The circus thinks they’re doing voluntary work for paraplegics.

8: If I haven’t crapped on your carpet, don’t think you got off scot-free. Check out the curtains in the kids’ bedroom.

9: Leave your TV or radio on if you’re going out, just so I know that you’ve got one.

10: You know that nice man who “found” your lost cat and wouldn’t take any reward money? Yeah.

11: I’m usually under the bed masturbating when the police arrive, but no one thinks to look there.

12: One of your windows is now only held in by sellotape.

13: The reason I nicked the photo of your grandparents is because I’m the designer for SAGA’s inhouse magazine.

14: We look out for houses with ornate and well-kept gardens. Someone with a lot of spare time on their hands is either retired or runs a business. Either way they deserve it.

15: Don’t think just because it’s raining that I’ll take a day off. I’ll shelter in your shed for days if needs be.

16: If you keep all your valuables in a safe, there’s a very good chance that I’ll wait till you come home and beat the code out of you.

17: Do you really think I won’t look in your sock drawer? I’ve got one of your socks on my cock right now.

18: Sometimes I’ll dress up like a marketing researcher, sometimes a Jehovah’s Witness, sometimes a trick-or-treater. Not to see if there’s anyone home; just to be an annoying cunt.

19: If you want to deter burglars, don’t get infrared motion detectors. Get a satellite dish.

20: You’d save everyone a lot of time and trouble by announcing your holidays on Facebook.

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