Trees (1 point)

Trees were the most common and popular resource for many centuries on account of their availability and ease of use. The growth pattern of trees also lends them readily to employment: Younger, thinner, more flexible twigs and branches sprout from the top or the furthest ends from the trunk, whereas lower, older branches are thicker, more rigid, and stronger, as any michievous or brave schoolboy knows from trying to climb them; it’s easy to begin with but becomes more precarious the higher up you go. Only the real daredevils make it to the top! Why not see if you can make it up to a branch just above the height of a grown man and then sling a rope over the branch. You could climb down the rope to the ground or you could just swing from it, to feel what it’s like. The Americans in particular have a long tradition of using trees.

Lamp-posts (4 points)

Not as commonplace as trees, although the way global deforestation is going, you might be forgiven for thinking otherwise. That said, the more observant among you will also notice that today’s lamp-posts can reach up to 40 feet in height and that their arms are unbuttressed, single-projection curved arcs that make them almost impossible to ascend or gain any traction on. Why is that? You could ask your dad, but I bet he won’t know the real answer. The fact is, the spoilsports in City Hall are to blame for this development. Once upon a time, lampposts were sturdy, rectangular, inverted L-shaped constructions with a light hanging no more than 15 feet off the ground. It was easy to chuck a rope over and swing from it. Just look at the old pictures of kids in the Bronx or Victorian England. Or better yet, dig out the photos taken of Mussolini when he was finally captured by partisans with his girlfriend and entourage. See how they’re strung up? Only social hygiene and state monopolization of violence can account for the decision to replace these beautiful mementoes of a less complicated era with the travesties that pollute our highways today. You couldn’t suspend a sentence from those things.

Goalposts (6 points)

Even though most of Britain’s school playgrounds have been sold off, there are still a fair number of soccer pitches dotted around the country, so you should be able to spot this traditional rectangular shape that Britain gave to the world. In the United Kingdom, goalposts are now almost exclusively used for soccer. Incidentally, don’t confuse soccer goalposts with rugby football goalposts or GAA goalposts. Both of the latter have a higher crossbeam that reduces functionality under some circumstances, such as, for instance, where there is no ladder available. Until recently, goalposts were still a very popular means of execution in Afghanistan, where apostates were hanged as part of the half-time entertainment during soccer matches. Usually the victim dies of suffocation or strangulation, depending on where the knot is placed and how tightly it is tied. This can sometimes take as long as 15 minutes, which is ideal, since that’s normally how long half-time lasts.

Gibbets (50 points)

Sad to say, you’ll hardly ever see gibbets any more, and in Great Britain they are no longer used either as a means of execution or to display the bodies of criminals. A sad loss to the British landscape, but for the real I-Spy sleuth there are one or two still hanging around, if you’ll forgive the pun. If your parents are determined to take you out for a drive this weekend, suggest a visit to an old castle or ruin. You never know your luck!

Gallows (100 points)

These days the only place you’ll find anyone hanging in prison is in the paedophile wing. The last public execution in Great Britain took place in the last century, long before your parents were even born! That gives you some idea of how much life has changed for the worse. Once upon a time, a trip to the gallows of a Saturday afternoon was the highlight of a family outing. Every major city had a set and the crowds would throng to watch as various murderers, cut-throats, robbers, gypsies, and Irish were despatched for their transgressions against British Law. Ask your mom and dad if they remember any hangings and I bet you they won’t. If they do, get as many details from them as you can and write them in the space below and send it to Big Chief I-Spy. If they’re too young to remember, try to persuade them to take you to the Prison Service Museum in Rugby, where they still have the old gallows from Wandsworth Prison. You could pretend that you are on a Saturday afternoon trip to a hanging. Don’t forget to take sandwiches!

(Excerpted from the book I-Spy Executions, one of the popular I-Spy books for children )

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Khmer Rouge Strippergram