Legend has it that whenever he needed inspiration to create new superheroes, Stan Lee reached for his trusty copy of the Aberdeen Bestiary. If only he hadn’t been such a lazy cunt and had got up out of his armchair, he could have crossed the room and used his atlas instead. Then we might all have been delighted by the amazing adventures of

Tiger Boy: He patrols the docks of Cardiff on the lookout for trouble and trade in his leather diamanté catsuit, false claws, and filed-down teeth.

Montego Boy: The Caribbean superkid who harnesses the power of family saloons in a series of predominantly rum-based escapades.

Botany Boy: He might be descended from criminals but he’s the master of everything phylem-, xylem-, and phloem-related. The phenomenal powers of the world’s plants are forever at his fingertips.

Guantánamo Boy: An innocent and naive idealist whose scary orange jumpsuit and special sense-deprivation goggles induce irrational and disproportionate fear and paranoia in anyone who sees him.

Count Everest: The Himalayan vampire with a penchant for dipping Kendall Mint Cake in his victims’ blood.

Weston the Supermare: The pierless steed from Somerset with a mane of cotton candy and ice cream snorted through its nostrils. Just don’t ask for a 99.

Yo! Semite: A hero for our eco-conscious times, he calls upon the powers of his wilderness friends through the medium of Jewish rap.

O Man: The entirely useless superhero. He does nothing at all, unless extracting oil from a barren wasteland helps in some way.

The Dead Seal: He drowns his enemies in the salty tears of faded movie stars.

Firm Anna: The feisty, busty Enniskillen killer with buttocks of steel and a cruiser on Lough Erne.

Niall Delta Force: An ex-Irish army sergeant trained in Egyptian martial arts.

The Needler: The south coast marksman who overwhelms villains by pelting them with sticks of chalk.

Snake Lass: A windswept demeanour and the obedience of all Derbyshire’s adders at her command!

Foulmouth: The Cornish swear artist. Renders his enemies helpless with stunning volleys of intolerable and highly original abuse.

The Halifox: Cunning, dour, and with breath that smells like your bins.

Marlin Head: A Donegal accent and a nose that could take your eye out.

The Boyne Valet: Descended from the High Kings of Ireland, but now just a lowly waiter. His principal powers are obsequiousness and sarcasm.

The Old Faithful Geezer: Yo! Semite’s reliable and much-loved Cockney sidekick.

Herring Guy: The oily, silver-skinned North London marvel with a penchant for smoking and leaving villains in a pickle.

and of course

DR CONGA: Despite losing most of his powers in a recent setback, the good doctor still has his superhuman kick left. And there’s nothing more powerful than a superhuman kick right?

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Khmer Rouge Strippergram