If you live alone or if your spouse, partner or significant other is frequently away, anything that requires more than one pair of hands becomes an impossible task. And that’s why engineers invented clamps. There are clamps for all occasions and every possible eventuality. You may need to experiment to find the one that’s right for you, but here’s a quick guide that will point you in the right direction, and soon you’ll learn why DIYers or every orientation say you can never have too many clamps.

POWERFUL PIPE CLAMPS
A piece of plumbing pipe and an inexpensive set of clamp heads are all you need to make a clamp long enough to span any tabletop, office desk, or coffin. Versions with an aluminum bar offer heavy-duty clamping for multiple fixtures in case you have guests round or if you enjoy simultaneous penetration of multiple orifices but your better half is down at Asda. Pipe clamps are perfect for anything you want to hold in place lengthways while you remove the skin, such as a cucumber, an aubergine, or a courgette, but you can also remove your item and reclamp it so that it protrudes magnificently into the air, proud and ready for use.

QUICKTRIGGER CLAMP
Rapid-action clamps are a great solution when you don’t have a free hand. Just pull the trigger, and the same hand that holds the clamp can bring the jaws closed with ease. Newer models offer lots of clamping power, and you’ll find them in sizes from miniscule to monstrous. If you’re using one hand to support you, say if you’re leaning back or squatting over a mirror, the quicktrigger clamp will enable you to keep a firm grip on your vegetable or fruit without you having to worry about toppling over and impaling yourself or suffering a sudden sphincter contraction that could leave you prematurely covered in mush and juice. I like to use mine while watching Newsnight.

BURLY BAR CLAMP
Often called an”F”clamp because of what it’s mostly used for, the bar clamp is an essential workhorse for almost every orifice-widening task. Very popular with teenagers and sales reps who are on the road for weeks at a time and have to entertain themselves in motel rooms, this clamp will exert a lot of force thanks to the rigid bar and castjaws. Plus, those jaws have depth to give the clamp good reach. You’ll find bar clamps with capacity ranging from a few Inches to several feet, perfect when you fancy an onion, a pomegranate, or maybe a bunch of grapes. Use them to secure one buttcheek to the bedpost or a chair leg and you’re guranteed an evening or bliss. Gives the word “bedspread” a whole new meaning.

BRAWNY BAND CLAMP
Odd shapes such as pineapples, pears, and strawberries aren’t easy to grab with conventional clamps, but a band clamp grips them, securely and ratchets shut to give you great holding power. Since one size fits all, a pair of these should cater to all your band clamping needs. Be careful that you use a lubricant that isn’t going to compromise the purchase you’re likely to need when thrusting, and make sure that any nick-nacks and valuables have been safely stored away.

HANDY HAND SCREW
Clamps may have evolved, but the hand screw, unchanged and much loved across the eons, remains as versatile as ever. It’s great for carrots, the original love vegetable (regardless of what the Bible says!), but also for holding small (and not so small!) anatomical parts to one side while you drill, cut or otherwise punish them. Grab yourself a few of these in different sizes and you’ll be amazed at the things you’ll find to screw with them.

SUPER SPRING CLAMP
These clamps spring into action any time you need an extra hand to hold something in place, such as a recalcitrant piece of melon or a slippery grapefruit. You’ll find them made from metal and plastic and in a wide range of sizes that will ensure you can have your fingers just where you want them. Don’t be tempted to use spring clamps on your nipples. That’s just perverse.

CAN-DO “C” CLAMP
When you need to hold Part A to Part B, there’s no simpler way than with a “C” clamp. Tomato lovers would be lost without them, of course, but these clamps are handy with a wide variety of seed-filled fruits, and we’ve even heard of nut lovers and vegans who have found the “C” clamp’s versatility a boon to their Sunday nights in after the Antiques Roadshow. “C” clamp sizes start tiny and grow large, but the mid-size 4″ to 6″ varieties are sure to be favorites, especially with the elderly.

From the April/May 2009 issue of Organic Lovemaking magazine.

(This is an excerpt from Khmer Rouge Strippergram  blog www.thekettleisalwayson.blogspot.com/)

Written by :

Khmer Rouge Strippergram