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The Ten Most Important Conspiracy Theories THEY Don’t Want You to Know About
1: The Illuminati and the FA Cup “Fixtures”
All FA Cup results are predetermined by a shadowy cabal of sinister malefactors, also sometimes known as the pools panel, in order to keep the male population of the UK mesmerized by the “romance of the cup” until a suitable Premiership club can be found willing to field a full-strength team.
2: The Shape-Shifting Lizard of Light Entertainment
What do Chris Moyles, Charlotte Church, Frank Skinner, Bruce Forsythe, Chris Evans and Ant and Dec all have in common? Yes, they are all the same individual. Cost-conscious bureaucrats in the mass media are outsourcing work to alien labour and hoping nobody will notice.
3: The Jade Goody Assassination
How close did she really get to discovering the identity of Big Brother? Why have we seen precisely NONE of her reports on atrocities in Chechnya? Why wasn’t her body checked for plutonium poisoning? We should be told. How much does Davina know? Nothing, probably.
4: Lucerne and the Apocalypse
When fully functional, the Large Hadron Collider in Switzerland will open up the maws of Hell, exactly as predicted in the Book of Revelation, inexorably dragging down all the sinners of the world in a vortex of horror, at the same time as the saved are taken up, rescued by the Rapture. Armageddon is actually a suburb of Zurich.
5: What’s the Deal with Deal or No Deal?
Who is this sinister “banker” who we neither see nor hear yet who manages to send secret messages to the nation’s paranoid schizophrenics through the television screen? Is he the same banker who has caused the global financial meltdown? Why do all the dogs in our neighbourhood start barking when the theme tune plays? And who exactly is this Noel Edmonds? Could he be the same “Grassy Noel” who showed up in Dealey Plaza in November 63? It would explain a lot.
6: The Mancunian Candidate
The overwhelming evidence, not even cleverly disguised, of Ian Brown’s Faustian pact with the devil that has seen him enjoy fame, fortune, and success without any discernible talent and the appearance of a constipated chimp.
7: The Hudson River Plane Landing
Why has the Federal Transportation Safety Board withheld evidence that the birds that flew into the engines of USAir Flight 1549 were racing pigeons trained in Quantico, home of the FBI Academy and the largest U.S. Marine Corps base in the world? Who were they working for? Where did they learn to fly? Why is there no CCTV footage of the event? Who smeared Trill inside the engine carapace?
8: The Vatican Cellars
Where has John Paul II been held since the faking of his death and who are the real powerbrokers behind the usurper Benedict with his soft left agenda? Manuel Estimulo alone has seen through the facade. His one-man crusade goes on.
9: The Dark Knight’s Tale
Was Heath Ledger’s overdose really an accident? Did he just mistake the flagon with dragon for the vessel with the pestle? Why wasn’t he told that the chalice with the palace held the brew that was true? The flagon with the dragon had the pellet with the poison. The vessel with the pestle had the aspirin in the gin.
10: The Casby Code
What is the true significance of the Conor Casby paintings? Was it an accident that they were hanged in two separate galleries that happen to sit on ancient ley lines that intersect at Tara? What is the significance of the blue Y-Fronts, symbol of the third eschaton of Charalambous III, patriarch of Antioch? Why does the toilet roll so closely resemble the Irish constitution? Dan Brown is already working on a novelisation.
(This is an excerpt from Khmer Rouge Strippergram blog www.thekettleisalwayson.blogspot.com/)
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