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The U.K. edition of Aphrodite magazine offers a new year’s list of suggestions for its readers to help them feel great about themselves in the 12 months ahead.
1: Make snow angels in the cemetery. Remind yourself that you’re the only one in there who can do that.
2: Write down the three things you most dislike about yourself on a piece of paper, burn it, and then resolve to ignore them in future.
3: Buy yourself a pack of condoms and figure out how you’re going to use them.
4: Keep a wish list of painful events that you would like to happen to your enemies. Visualize them to yourself regularly and chuckle.
5: Go to the movies on your own and mess around like you did as a kid. Keep changing seats. Crunch loudly. Make farting noises. Fart.
6: Make a mix-tape and force everyone to listen to it.
7: Take up a weekly self-love ritual. It can be a foot massage, a Sunday afternoon catnap, and luxurious bath, or a good old-fashioned wank.
8: Enjoy a marathon DVD session featuring your favourite Hollywood icon. Unless it’s Jim Carrey.
9: Put on an outfit you love to wear on an otherwise ordinary day and visit someone in prison. The contrast between their uniforms and your fab getup will help you appreciate the importance of freedom and make you feel really privileged.
10: Buy a birdhouse for the backgarden and booby-trap it.
11: Join Friends Reunited and gloat over the mess that all your schoolfriends have made of their lives.
12: Leave the kids with a neighbour for a couple of hours, go to the pub, and get hammered.
13: Make a new year’s resolution to love yourself more and give hard drugs a go.
14: During coffee breaks at work, talk about your imaginary lover and the great sex you have. Pour scorn, pity, boiling water on the single members of staff.
15: An affair with your husband’s best friend is a convenient and a sure-fire way of making you feel sexy again.
16: Give up unrealistic ideals regarding weight loss and staying youthful. Reward yourself regularly with scrummy food and fags.
17: Buy yourself one of those celebrity disaster magazines to remind yourself of the unhappiness that comes with fame and success.
18: Send a postcard to “I’ve Got a Secret” recounting how you torture animals and children. Unburdening yourself of the guilt will feel great, and if it isn’t true, where’s the harm?
19: Change your screen saver to a picture of kittens or some fat idiot tripping over.
20: Try to recall the last time you were happy and wallow in the memory.
21: Put a flower in your buttonhole. Count how many people ask if they can smell it. Tell them “No.” It’s yours and yours alone. Feel special.
22: Put a smiley icon at the end of all your email messages, condolence cards, death threats, repossession orders, etc.
23: Go to the park and pull faces at the kids on the swings till they cry.
24: Take a photograph of something or someone you think is inspiring, put it in a frame and stare at it until you’re bored.
25: Write a blog about what a bunch of cunts people are. Name names.
26: Send a letter to a friend you haven’t seen for years and who you’re unlikely to see again. Arrange to meet up. Don’t go. Whenever you feel down in the dumps during the day, think of them waiting for you and smirk.
27: Read a classic novel and then tell everyone.
28: Cut down your to-do list by removing all those things that will not result in you being labeled an irresponsible parent.
29: Throw out all your old clothes and steal some new ones.
30: Sign up for evening classes in a skill you already have but pretend to be a novice. Everyone else will be amazed at your natural flair and feel utterly inferior.
31: Get a free makeover at the mall or do a runner from the hairdresser’s.
32: Memorize some poems that move you. If anyone asks, say you wrote them.
33: Wander around your town searching for new experiences and places. Pretend you’re a stranger to the area. Feign interest in the lives of the locals. Note which shops have security cameras.
34: Write yourself a permission slip to do something you’ve never done before, just to remind yourself that life is full of possibilities: Parachuting from a plane, driving a race car, anal sex, killing someone.
35: Start a scrapbook of court reports.
36: Sleep all day.
(This is an excerpt from Khmer Rouge Strippergram blog www.thekettleisalwayson.blogspot.com/)
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